Stumped By My Family

.........

2011-10-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've got a deep itch in the middle of my head, because The Wife has just said something so monumentally ridiculous, that I'm like Dave Bowman going through the Stargate in 2001, everything and all things are happening at once ; time for me right now is enveloping itself and I'm in a wee bubble of hyper excitement !!

Here's what just happened.

The Wife - America has much nicer stars than us, don't they ?

I turn around slowly...

Me - .........What ?

The Wife - The stars in the sky. They're so much nicer in America. Is it because they're nearer ?

Me - WHAT ?!?!?!

The Wife - Y'know, are the stars nearer on that side than they are to us ? We don't even see the...whatdjamacallit...*swirls arm round*...the Dairy Milk ! We don't even see that.

Me - WWWWHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!?!?!?!

I can't speak......it's like I'm breathing in and out at the same time...

.....totally stumped !

Duck.

2010-02-20T01:40:00.000-08:00

It was fairly foggy here yesterday, not as bad as it has been in the last week or so, but it was still foggy enough to take care on the roads when you're driving.

Last night The Wife let me know just how close she came to death in the fog. I'm thinking that she maybe had a near miss or something, didn't see somebody cross the road until she was almost on top of them, y'know, that kind of thing.

No.

She thought the sun was going to crash into Earth.

Even allowing for the fact that the fog was a bit thick, and as such the actual apparent size of the sun was a little larger than normal, it really didn't enter her mind just how stupid she was being.

I pointed out to her the Sun is 93 million miles away, and even if it was about to crash into us, it wouldn't just be a tiny bit bigger than it normally is, it'd take up the entire sky. Plus you'd be dead long before it even came close to hit Earth because you'd be irradiated or burned to death.

Even after told her the fog wasn't the only thick thing that morning, and that there is no way the sun could possibly crash into us, she remained unconvinced. Now I know how Gallileo felt.

She said her heart rate went up and "everything".

I'm stumped.

How I'm a thoughtless arsehole who doesn't know her at all.

2010-02-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

The wife missed a few things from the mini-shop she did today, and I was tasked to go out and get them. Simple enough you may think, but I bet this typical man screws it up.

Not so, says I, all items were present and accounted for.

So what's got me stumped ? Let me tell you the story.

I decided to take The Boy out with me tonight, though it'd be a fun thing to do and he was up for it, so off we went. It was a fairly enjoyable mini-mini-shop, the highlight of which was him "cutting off my back" with a well aimed karate chop while walking down the bread aisle.

We got everything we needed, then I decided to get The Wife something, since I was reminded when I left for the shop, that she always gets me something wherever she goes. This is true. I'm spoiled. But now I've got to get her something.....a surprise........shit.

So, thinks I, she's a bit poorly tonight, so I'll not get her wine cos I can't pick wine for a start, but even if I got her a good one, it'll be wrong or she won't be able to have it. This narrowed it down to nibbles. She likes popcorn, but she's not watching anything on telly worth eating popcorn for.

She likes prawn cocktail crisps, but we have those.

No, what I need is another kind of nibble, something I know, or at the very least, hope, she'll like.

BOMBAY MIX !!!!!!!

She likes nibbles, and spicy things and curry, 3 in 1 surely with the Bombay Mix.

I high five The Boy, well, low five, he is only 4, and we go to the checkout. While we're standing in the queue, The Boy decides to make daddy shit his pants by hiding under the checkout desk as daddy looks away, making daddy think he's just lost The Boy. Little bastard.

So we get home, I announce that we (if I'm going down, I'm taking The Boy with me), got the Wife a surprise. She gets the semi-pleased look in here eye. I'm onto a winner here....

She hates Bombay Mix. She's never eaten Bombay Mix in the 7 years we've been together. Why did I get her Bombay Mix ? I did this intentionally out of spite. She always gets me something good, and I get her Bombay Mix.

I just don't fucking get it some times.

She says in the 7 years we've been together, I've never once bought her anything she was happy with. I think that says more about her than me - I'd be equally happy with a banana as I would with a new phone.

The Wife stumps me.

The Japanese Spider Crab story

2010-02-13T14:10:00.001-08:00

I was just reading something about the Japanese Spider Crab. It's the biggest crab of it's kind IN THE WORLD, and an example of it is being brought to the Birmingham Sea Life Centre. It's 5 fucking feet tall.

So I swivel round in my chair and tell the Wife, since she loves anything to do with sealife and the like.

The following conversation is slightly abridged cos of my awful memory, but everything of what you are about to read, actually happened.

Me - Look at this, the Japanese Spider crab is being brought to a see life centre in Birmingham. Guess how big it is ?

Wife - In feet or inches ?

Me - Feet.

(bad start at wowing her I think, she's normally shit hot at guessing stuff like this)

Wife - 5 feet ?

(shit)

Me - Yea, ok but at their natural depth in the ocean they are rumoured to grow as big as 4 metres wide, enough to straddle a car.

Wife - Why would it want to do that.

(here we go, that's it starting)

Me - well, it wouldn't want to do that, it's just an example they give so people can get an idea of the size of something.

Wife - Why don't the say big enough to straddle a whale ?

Me - Again, cos people don't really know the size of a whale. Everyone knows how big a car is, so it's easier to imagine the size of the crab with that as an example.

Wife - I know what size a whale is...

(I've got her, I think, there are tonnes of different species of whales, you've got her nailed, go in for the kill)

Me - Yeah, but what kind of whale ?

Wife - A car sized whale.

I swivel back round in my chair, shaking my head. How can I win with that ?

Stumped again.

Post, the first.

2010-02-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

My hope for this blog is to keep it updated regularly, unlike oh so many blogs I've created and deleted, but this time around I think the subject matter is more interesting to me personally.

I'm hoping that this will serve as a record of just how much my family blows my mind, so that in years to come we can all sit back and have a good laugh at all the craziness we, and by we, I mean them, came out with.

I hope this gives the kids some fond memories of just how much crap they came away with to me, and the realisation that they should just have kept their mouths shut :D